Financial Drain and Mentally Done

Is there a cycle of poverty? A cycle is poor money management? How does one break the cycle?

Bankruptcy?

Consumer proposals?

Foreclosure?

All the research insists that there is most certainly a cycle of poverty. Also, known as a development trap or poverty trap. 

Research states that when a child is born into a poverty-stricken family the cycle continues. It is said to affect families that have no financial gain or capital, education, or connections. 

Upon further reading, there are different types of poverty. Generational and situational.

I'm not going to break it all down and start talking economics because a) not my idea of a fun night and b) I am not qualified to explain it, hell I hardly understand it. But I will say this. It sucks! 

My life has been a series of events that either lead to me falling further behind and gaining more debt and drowning in overwhelming financial stress, or continuing to stay above the waterline but always feel like I am drowning and scared to spend or buy anything because chances are I will be in trouble financially by the next paycheck.

I grew up in a situation that I never thought was poverty, but guess what, it most certainly was! To say that publicly and risk my family feeling shame is huge, but one thing I have learnt over my 31 years on this Earth is if you don't address the pink elephant in the room people tend to try to ignore its existence, causing more issues when it becomes the size of the room and you can no longer breathe because of it. 

I have many stories to share of my life growing up. However, not right now, not yet. 

I do know that I have both situational and generational poverty. 

I have done the bankruptcy thing.

I have done the consumer proposal.

I have even had a home foreclosure.

I am 31.

I have an education.

I have connections.

I have a job.

Where is the disconnect? What have I done wrong?

People say oh your young you have your whole life ahead of you yet. Then they compare "oh at 20 I was doing this and doing that". The fact of the matter is regardless of your age if you struggle financially, it affects every aspect of your life. 

My life is a serious mess financially. Some days I am unsure how I am going to pay the bills or fill my car with gas. I wish it was better. I wish it was easier. I wish I had more control over the situations that put me here. But I don't, I can't change the past, but I can try to control the future. It is hard, I want to give up, but I can't. 

People see me on the outside and I am a well-put-together, intelligent female, strong, powerful, a leader in many aspects. But I struggle, I cry when I can get my friends or family something that they need or want. I want to treat myself somehow some days and then feel guilty for doing it. 

I took my son for ice cream after school today. It cost me $4.00, which means I don't get a coffee for the rest of this week because I can't afford it. A coffee. 

Some people don't get the struggle. That's fine. 

But it is hard. I struggle daily.

I just wish it was easier.