The Past Can Creep In At Anytime

So in my last blog I eluded to the fact that I had dealt with some pretty strong PTSD. 

I honestly didn't even see it coming. 

So I have to take you back a little bit if you want to know how it all started..

I have gone through a pretty difficult separation with lawyers and judges and courts and police and evidence and documents. I don't need to get into specifics but let's just say it took 3-4 years before the truth exposed itself and I got full custody. 

Now the ex I am referring to has a 'mother' that was somewhat of a handful.. She couldn't be trusted when I and the ex were together let alone after. She had a serious drug problem mixed with anger issues and a full-on "woe is me complex". The 'mother' was cut out of my life before the ex and I even split because of domestic assault issues with her.

After I received full custody my ex disappeared and has not spoken to me in almost two years; however, the 'mother' felt entitled to having a relationship with my son because she felt like she was in a grandparent role. Even though she was not in my life before, during, or after being pregnant. 

I started out by being reasonable and allowing a few things to take place. Harmless Easter gifts, a quick chat in a store, and even going for ice cream one day. Never in my home and never letting her know where we moved to after the separation. Never once would I ever say she would be allowed to be alone with my son or really have the grandparent role she assumed she could have.

Things were alright, I never felt the visits were enjoyable, they typically went with her trying to buy my son something to make him like her followed by him asking questions about her and the ex fighting, getting arrested, or at points even drug use. This is where I realized these were not constructive, healthy visits and I didn't feel comfortable have them continuing for my son's sake and for mine, and his, mental health. 

I told the 'mother' that I didn't want to have these visits anymore. She was furious with me. She threaten me with court and lawyers and called me every name under the sun. Typically I would be upset and feel bad like I was causing some sort of inconvenience. Not this time. I had to stand my ground for the safety of my son and my family. I ended up blocking her on any form of contact I had and that was that. I explained to my son what was going on and he was understanding and not upset. He is nine for what it's worth. That was it we moved on in our lives.

So for further context we live in a smaller city and the 'mother' lives in a small town right outside of the city.  We were bound to walk into each other at some point in the future and I had it in my brain that it would be fine and be a non-issue..

 So a few days ago I was in a store near my new home and I was walking down the aisle and BAM there she is. My pulse started racing, my palms got sweaty, my face felt like it was on fire. I just kept walking hoping she didn't see me but it's a small store. I had a mask on because of covid but I was sure she knew it was me. 

I got so paranoid that I started looking down aisles and ensuring I went down only those with others shopping in the so she couldn't get me alone. I was so scared. Then I started seeing her everywhere in the store and I thought I was seeing my ex in the store too. 

I was scared to leave because they could follow me to my home or something worse would happen. I had to calm myself down and not freak out so others would see and wonder what the heck was wrong with me. 

I also didn't want her to think she won and got the better of me. It was so hard and I felt so drained and anxious afterwards that when I got home I hugged my son and started crying..

I never thought that this would be my life or that I would have anxiety around specific people but here we are. 

I hope that it gets easier and that with time these feelings fade, but for now, I will acknowledge they exist and that they are real and I don't have to be ashamed of them because it is a real traumatic event that happened in my life and I will become stronger because of them.

Once I got home and calmed down me and my son carved pumpkins.